Struggling

Hey all, it’s been a long time since I last wrote a blog post. I’m not going to lie to you all, I’ve kind of been struggling a bit. Before you all start hitting me up asking if I’m going to off myself, the answer is no, because I have too much to live for and too much I still want to experience in life before the Lord takes me home. As many of you that could be reading this already know, I lost my mother back in August of 2020. It was very unexpected and it was a major loss for myself, my sister and my mother’s sisters and brother, as well as all of my mother’s friends and other family members. It was also hard for the people that she worked with at the city of Plano. Everyone that knew my mother said that she was a special woman, and that she was. My mother was an amazing woman and I’m proud to have been able to call her my mother. She showed me the unconditional love that people always talk about, “There’s no other love, like a mother’s love.”

Now here’s some things most of you may not know. I moved out of my mother’s house in February of 2020. So, she passed away six months after I moved out. With COVID shutting everything down, I wasn’t able to go home to visit my mother before she died. The day I moved out, I packed up my car, hugged my mom and told her that I loved her and that I would be home soon enough to visit. But because of this stupid fucking virus, I was unable to go home to visit her. I did call my mother every single day after I moved out to make sure that she was doing well. She kept telling me that she was fine and for me not to worry. The reason why I moved out of my mother’s house was because I was having a problem with my drinking. My mother didn’t want me out of her house, she suggested that I moved to Iowa with my sister and her husband so that I could get a fresh start away from all the influences that I had in my life so that I would either quit drinking or have more control over it. So, for everyone that’s reading, I’m finally able to admit, but I was an alcoholic.

I’m not proud of the man that I was when I was drinking all the time. It was so out of control that I was drinking 5-6 days a week and I was stopping at the gas station on my way home from work every night and I would drink on my way home, then I would some times drive around drinking by myself after work. I was spiraling out of control. At the time, I didn’t want to live anymore, hoping that my organs and everything would just start to shut down on me and to top it off, I was drinking energy drinks like they were water. I was doing everything to excess. When I first started drinking heavily, it was to cope with a break up and losing my father, because I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions without the use of alcohol. I thought that drinking would make the pain go away, knowing damn well that alcohol doesn’t take the pain away, it just masks the pain. My mother recognized my drinking behavior wasn’t healthy but she wouldn’t tell me that she thought I was an alcoholic. She saw that I was going down the wrong road in life and she only wanted the best for me. So she suggested that I move to Iowa with my sister and her husband to get my fresh start.

When I first moved out here to Iowa, I did still struggle with my drinking for the first month or so. But after awhile, I just didn’t have the desire to drink. A lot of that probably could have been stemmed from my job working at a psychiatric medical institute for children. I would get off work and all I wanted to do was eat some food and go to sleep. So I basically quit drinking. I mean I’ve drank only a few times in the last year. I can’t exactly say that I’ve been sober for a year. Most people that are recovering alcoholics, go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and they get a coin each year of sobriety. Well, I still drink on occasion. I’m still proud that I have a handle on it and can say that I’ve basically quit drinking. I mean come on, I was drinking and getting drunk 5-6 days a week, to only having a beer or two once every other month or longer. I’d have to say that’s something to be proud of right? But I will say this, I still struggle to stay sober every single day. I will admit, I miss the feeling of when I was drunk. I just don’t miss the morning after. Some days I want to pick up a bottle and drink my pain away, both physical pain and emotional pain. But I instead just watch a lot of TV and movies, mostly stuff that I can have a good laugh at. I know what some of you are going to say, “Evan, you need to go to therapy.” Yeah, I know I need to go to therapy. I’ve been working on trying to go back to my therapist, but it’s been hard to trying to go back because I lost my health insurance when I went to part-time and when I went back to full-time, my therapist wasn’t doing in person sessions, and I wasn’t about to talk on the phone, I prefer in person sessions, but that’s just me. Now I’m starting a new job in a couple weeks, I won’t have insurance again for another month. Once I get insurance again, I will make an appointment.

I had a friend of mine once ask me, like right after my mom died, “Evan, how do you do it? You lost your mom and seem to be handling it so well. I broke up with my girlfriend and I’m just a drunken mess.” I told him, “Bro, I wasn’t given an option. Yeah I’m devastated that my mom died, but I know that she’s up in heaven with my dad now, and there’s nothing that I can do to bring her back. I know my mom would want me to keep living my life and not dwell on her passing, for I know where her soul is.” He just said, “Wow, you’re stronger than I could ever be in that situation.” Believe me, when I got the news that my mom died, I wanted to lie down and die too. But, my sister needs me in her life. My friends and family need me in their lives. Even though at times I feel like they don’t care as much as I thought they did. I know my friends and family care about me. What a lot of people also don’t know, is I deal with depression and the one thing I struggle with is thinking that people don’t care about me. So to my family and friends reading this. I know you all love me and care about me. Depression is a son of a bitch.

Anyways, I just wanted to let all of my friends and family know that I’m doing alright. I struggle some days, but I’ll be alright. I hope to go home to visit soon. I love you all. I know this post has kind of come to a close rather abruptly, but I was starting to cry while writing it, so I needed to end it.